It’s not getting any easier, my friends. Not even a little.
I’m not trying to embarrass Akaisha in any way, shape, or form by sharing these moments, but I am slowly losing my best friend, my partner, my travel companion, and my wife—bit by bit, every single day. Her short-term memory has vanished, making it almost impossible to talk to her about pain or discomfort. I have to guess from knowing her so deeply, and even then it’s often just a shot in the dark. This decline has accelerated dramatically in the last few weeks, racing alongside her physical deterioration.
This morning she didn’t know my name. That hurt!
In many ways she’s becoming a child again. When I hold her at night, I feel her sweet innocence like a baby, and the tears come whether I want them to or not. It’s incredibly touching… and heartbreaking. Knowing she is now completely dependent on me in every single way weighs heavily on my heart. This is the same woman who was always so strong and fiercely independent.
I’m doing the very best I can, but I can’t shake the painful feeling that I must have missed something—that maybe I could be doing more or doing it better. I keep searching for answers, yet they remain out of reach.
I’ve expanded the hours of one of our helpers so she can care for Akaisha. It’s given me some breathing room to shop, plan meals, cook, and handle small repairs. Even so, I still hate leaving her alone for long.
I’ve never walked this path before, and I know many of you haven’t either. That’s why I share these pieces of our reality—hoping it might bring some comfort or insight to others facing the same storm. I constantly remind myself that this heartbreak is unfolding every moment of every day all over the world. We are far from the first… and sadly, we won’t be the last.
Please give your loved ones a long hug tonight and tell them how much you love them. Do it while you still can.
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About the Authors
Billy and Akaisha Kaderli are recognized retirement experts and internationally published authors on topics of finance, medical tourism and world travel. With the wealth of information they share on their award winning website RetireEarlyLifestyle.com, they have been helping people achieve their own retirement dreams since 1991. They wrote the popular books, The Adventurer’s Guide to Early Retirement and Your Retirement Dream IS Possible available on their website bookstore or on Amazon.com.
Dear Billy - Thank you for sharing the latest stage of your journey with Akaisha. I don't know you two personally but have been following REL for a long time. Permit me to assure you, Billy, that being there in support of Akaisha, is the greatest gift you can give her. It is hard...not everyone, no matter how much they love the other, is built for this stage in our lives. You are doing the best that you can...and that has to be enough. Hiring extra personal care to give you a little respite is very important for your ongoing health. Wishing you much strength. - Richard
This is a hard, hard road you're on, and I'm thinking of you with love and wishing you comfort and strength. I was caregiver for my mother-in-law as she entered hospice care and passed away, and end-of-life caregiving is both a privilege and weight, I would imagine even more so as you care for your life partner. I hope you're also able to find the support you need as you so lovingly take care of Akaisha. You're giving her a priceless gift.